I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
