Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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