I think my vagina is haunted
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
