I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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