You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
