Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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