I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
