Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
