All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
