so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
