If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
