Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
