I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
