stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
