I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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