she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
