how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
