no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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