I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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