We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
