I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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