nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
