a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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