K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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