There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
