Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
