I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
