I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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