I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
do herpes really smell.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
