i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
