She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
