Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Someone came in the potted fern
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
