Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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