Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
