im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I should be sponsored by Trojan
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Actions speak louder than pants.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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