who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
