She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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