Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
high people should be assigned attendants
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
