Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
