ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
