based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
