I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
