The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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