This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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