He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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