we're chasing vodka with high fives
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
