I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
