if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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