And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
