My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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