So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
