I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
