I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
