he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
