Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
