all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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